The grass is always greener
by Psychodahlia
Summary: Humans often wish they could be powerful immortals. But vampires can be jealous of humans too.


Edward and Bella were gone. They had taken Reneesme up north to Alaska for the purpose of showing her the Northern Lights. Family bonding moment and all that. Esme had discovered a spa in a neighboring city. She had convinced her daughters to join her for three days of pampering. It had not been a hard sell.

That left Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper alone in the house. Finding themselves fed, safe and alone, they discovered there was not much to do. Emmet turned on the television, Jasper picked up a book and Carlisle joined them, alternating his attention between his children.

"Kanye West is a jerk." Emmett said during the commercial break. Carlisle cracked a smile.

"I'm sure it's easy to get carried away when you have a microphone."

Emmett grumbled then reached over to poke Jasper. "What do you think?"

Jasper didn't look up from his book. "About what?"

"About Kanye West."

"I don't know who that is." He could practically feel Carlisle's silent laughter. Apparently, their coven leader was amused.

"He's on MTV. He mucked up their awards ceremony by being a jerk to the cute blond."

"What was the awards ceremony for?"

"You know, music, music videos. That sort of thing."

Jasper nodded. "I'm not old enough to remember when MTV played music videos." Beat. "But I think Carlisle could tell you about it." There was a moment of silence broken only by Emmett's snickering. Carlisle and Jasper stared at each other for a second, both of them wearing masks that did nothing to betray their emotions. It was only his heightened sense of empathy that made Jasper jump up from the couch and take off running.

Carlisle didn't waste any time chasing after him. They tore through the house and it didn't take long for the older vampire to overtake him. He slipped an arm around his son's waist and lifted him up, spinning him around. "Old, am I? Old?"

"I didn't….I didn't say that! Just implied!" The emotions radiating from both his father and brother were infectious and Jasper couldn't help but laugh and initiate an impromptu wrestling match.

That was how they spent their first night alone.

* * *

The second night was quieter. The television was turned off and the mood, while no less loving, was calmer.

Until Emmett poked Jasper again. "What're you reading?"

"A book." To hell with empathy, his real vampire power was deadpanning snarky responses.

"Yeah, but what is it?"

Jasper sighed. "It's called Lonesome Dove. It's by Larry McMurtry."

"I don't know who that is."

"I kinda figured as much."

"What's it about?"

"These two old guys who get together a group and herd stolen cattle from Texas to Montana."

Emmett blinked. "You like this?"

"It's one of the great classics of western literature."

"About guys who herd cattle."

"It's not just that!" Jasper set the book down and looked at his brother. "It's about them, their characters. One of 'em has so much trouble with his emotions that he can't bring himself to acknowledge that he has a son. He has this inner struggle over his emotional connections to other people."

"So…this book is about an emotionally constipated deadbeat father, his friend, and their cattle stealing buddies going from Texas to Montana?" Emmett thought he was being funny.

Jasper glared and when he spoke his accent slipped. "Ah'm gonna kick your…"

"Alright," Carlisle spoke up, putting down his medical textbook and joining the conversation for the first time. "we don't need threats." He looked at Emmett. "We don't need provocations either."

"Yes, Sir." Embarrassed and chastened, Jasper ducked his head and returned to the book. Emmett nodded and all was quiet for a moment.

"I don't understand how someone could deny they have a son though."

"Emmett!" Carlisle gave him a warning look.

"I'm not messing with him!" He looked at Jasper. "Really, I'm not. I don't understand." He leaned into the couch and crossed his arms. "It would suck. Why wouldn't a dad want his kid?"

Jasper swallowed. Extreme emotions, especially those that gave hints to personal thoughts were always hard to feel. Emmett wasn't just confused, he was jealous of a fictional character.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize Emmett wanted children.

Carlisle sighed. "We can't have biological children. With vampires there are no…surprises. Well, not usually anyway." He paused. "Humans can be surprised and when they're shocked it's sometimes easier to ignore whatever hurt them and hope it goes away."

Jasper suppressed a shudder. Emmett's despair was rubbing off on him and it was getting worse by the second. If Jasper could cry he would've broken down then and sobbed. Physical pain was nothing to emotional trauma. It was nauseating.

Jasper jumped up from the couch and ran out of the room. He all but flew up the stairs to the room he shared with Alice and slammed the door. Heaving, he collapsed on the bed and tried to regain control.

Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Concentrate on feeling nothing. Concentrate on feeling. Concentrate on not feeling what others are feeling. Concentrate on what feeling what you want to feel.

On second thought just stick with In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

There was a knock on the door. Jasper swallowed. "Yes?" It was only respect for his father figure that made him answer, he would have preferred to lock the door and ignore anybody who came knocking.

The door opened quietly and Carlisle stepped in. The wave of concern he carried with him was almost enough to knock the younger vampire over.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

Jasper hugged his knees to his chin and shook his head. It was a childish pose but he really didn't care. He wanted to be alone, to calm down.

To know which desires were Emmett's and which were his own.

"I'm fine."

Carlisle knelt by the bed and gently tipped Jasper's face towards him. "I'm not going to force you to tell me what's wrong, but I do want you to understand that I'm here if you need me."

Jasper nodded, Carlisle left and that was how they spent the second night.

* * *

The third night was tense. Jasper didn't want to talk and neither Carlisle nor Emmett understood why. So the father stayed in his study and his sons stayed in their rooms.

Until Emmett visited Jasper and things quickly went to hell. "What is wrong with you?"

"There's nothing wrong with me." Anger and annoyance were much easier than hurt and despair. They were easier to ignore.

"Bull." He leaned over and punched his brother in the arm. "Why're you acting all screwed up? You miss Alice or something?"

That elicited a growl. "Leave me alone."

"Not until you tell me what's up." In the spirit of annoying siblings everywhere, Emmet didn't give up when ignored. "Is it Alice? Or one of the others? Renesmee? You can't expect her to hang around here all the time. She's got a mother and father."

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. Jasper flung the book aside and launched himself at his brother, snarling and hissing like an angry cat. He pushed Emmett backwards into the door with enough force that it broke off its hinges. It went down and Emmett went crashing to the floor with it, landing with a bang that shook the house.

Jasper moved to attack again and it was only Carlisle's sudden but unsurprising appearance that stopped him. One hand was all it took to hold back the younger vampire and push him back.

The hand pushed him back but the emotions stopped him cold. Carlisle was Seriously Ticked Off. It took a lot to make the usually calm and understanding father angry so for him to be this mad was…

Jasper swallowed. This wasn't going to be pretty.

"Emmett, are you alright?"

"Um…" He patted himself down to check, then nodded. "I'm alive." He met Jasper's eyes and glared. "It is about Renesmee!"

"It's about Renesmee for you!"

"Enough!" Carlisle glared at both his sons. "Emmet: go to your room. Jasper: my study." There was a brief pause and neither boy moved. "Now!"

Jasper stormed out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Once in the study he had to fight the urge to slam the door. It was only his respect for his father that he maintained enough control to close it quietly, barely making a click. Swallowing, he sat down on the wooden chair in front of the desk and began beating himself up emotionally.

After a few moments the door softly opened and Carlisle walked in. Jasper stood up, despite every instinct telling him to flee, and faced his coven leader. The anger was still there, but now it was tinged with disappointment and worry.

"Sit." Carlisle crossed the room and took his own place behind the desk. "Emmet told me he hit you. How hard?"

"You're angry."

"Yes, I am. I'm trying to figure out what happened so I can make a sound judgment, resolve this, and not be angry anymore. Now, how hard did he hit you?"

"Not very hard."

"Hard enough to hurt? Hard enough to bruise?" When Jasper shook his head, he sighed and sat back. "Then whatever he did to provoke you wasn't physical. It was emotional."

"Carlisle, please. If you're going to punish me, punish me. But playing with me…" He trailed off, silently pleading with the older leader to do what he came to do, whatever that was.

"I'm not playing with you." Carlisle said softly. "I'm trying to figure out what happened. Obviously you're upset about something. I asked you about it last night and you wouldn't tell me. Now you've attacked your brother and I have to play detective." He reached across the desk to tip his son's chin up until their eyes met. "It would be a lot easier if you just told me what was wrong."

"Emmett was…" He hesitated. Revealing other people's emotions was an easy way to become hated. His brother probably wouldn't appreciate him blabbing about his secret wish for a child. "His emotions were overwhelming last night. I couldn't tell which were mine and which were his."

Carlisle frowned. "You've been overwhelmed before and didn't lash out at anyone."

"This time it was different. I couldn't tell where he ended and I began. I got angry."

"Emmett was angry?"

"Tonight he was. Last night…" Jasper shook his head and slouched a little bit in the chair. "Anger is easy to feel. I'm used to it. That's not the problem."

The frown became deeper. "Alright, so it wasn't anger that set you off. What did?"

"Can't you just punish me and get it over with?"

"No!" The Seriously Ticked Off feeling was back. Even if he hadn't been an empath, the hand slammed down on the desk would have been a hint. "Bad things don't get better because you've been punished. They get better when you take steps to improve and ask for help when you need it."

"I don't need help! I need to be left alone so I can separate everyone else's emotions from my own."

"You're already dead; it wouldn't have killed you to say 'Emmett, I need to be left alone so I can figure out my emotions from yours!'" Carlisle massaged his temples. Patience came with compassion but his tolerance was wearing thin. "Since you're not giving me any answers I'm going to go talk to Emmett." He pushed a pad of paper and pen across the desk in front of Jasper. "While I'm gone I want you to write down what you feel, and what you want." He stood up and headed for the door.

Jasper looked from the pad of paper to his father. "You sure you can't just ground me?"

There was a hint of a smile along the corners of Carlisle's mouth when he turned and shook his head. "I'll be back in an hour."

He lingered for a second by the door, concentrating on the genuine feelings of love and concern he felt for his son. Jasper acknowledged those emotions with a small but grateful smile and they separated.

Carlisle scaled the stairs quickly. He had already spoken to Emmett, but something was troubling. Jasper had been overwhelmed by Emmett's emotions and apparently those emotions were unhappy. If there was something bothering any of his children, he would do everything in his power to make it better.

He knocked on the door and entered when he heard the questioning "Yes?"

Downstairs, Jasper hastily scribbled down an angry diatribe against anything and everything. Then he ripped it up and started over.

Upstairs, Carlisle wrapped his arms around Emmett and held him close. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I'm sorry I can't make it better. I'm sorry you can't have what would make you and Rosalie so very happy."

"What's it like, being a father?"

Downstairs, Jasper wrote out an epic love poem dedicated to Alice and how much he loved her and how grateful he was to have her in his life and she was all he wanted or needed. Then he carefully folded the paper and stuck it in his pocket to give to her later.

He started on his third attempt to figure out his own feelings.

Carlisle sighed and tried to think of how to describe parenthood. "It's the most wonderful feeling in the world when I look at my family. It's pride when you guys help Esme out around the house or bring home good grades or help each other out. It's sheer terror when one of you is in danger. It's irritation when you act like real teenagers and I have to split you up and send you to your rooms."

Downstairs Jasper took a deep breath and the third time was the charm.

"Maybe we could adopt." Emmett said quietly. "I mean, there's gotta be a homeless fledgling out there somewhere."

"Possibly." There was no danger of the world running out of scared and hurt vampires and fledglings were always vulnerable. "I won't lie to you; children can be difficult." He smiled.

"Yeah," Emmett grinned for the first time since the conversation began. "but you love us anyway."

"More than I can put into words."

Jasper was dotting the last period when Carlisle came back. He silently slid the paper back across the desk.

Carlisle took his seat behind the desk and started reading.

_I'm feeling jealous. The intensity might come from Emmett but I've been jealous of Edward and Bella for a long time. I know I'd be a terrible father but I can't help but want a baby. Not a fledgling. I guess it's the same for you but I turned someone when I was with Maria and I didn't feel a thing for him. I want a baby, a creature that comes from Alice and myself that I can hold and love and teach and raise. _

_I'm angry at myself. Bella was human, Alice is not. Nothing will ever change that and I should just get over it and be grateful with what I've got. But I can't help wanting this. It's like I've lived this long, I've got a wife and a loving family, but a baby would complete the picture. I'm angry that I can't be satisfied.  
_

_I want Alice to be happy. She's never mentioned us having children but I've seen the way she looks at Renesmee. Even if I couldn't read her emotions I'd know what she's missing. Pregnant women have this glow, this expectant joy and I want her to experience that. _

_You know why I feel this way, right? It's the same reason you started this coven-family. You live so long and you start to wish for what the humans take for granted. I guess the grass is always greener. _

Carlisle put the paper down. "You have a fledgling?" He said quietly.

"Surprise. You're a grandfather." Jasper shrugged. "Had. I'm pretty sure he's dead. And I never bothered to learn his name. Anyways, it doesn't matter. I don't want a fledgling, I want a baby."

"I don't know what to tell you. Except that there is new technology. Maybe a surrogate mother…?"

Jasper smiled and shook his head. "I'd always feel like I cheated on Alice."

"You wouldn't actually have to…"

"It would still feel like it." Jasper slumped down in the chair and looked away. "Am I still in trouble?"

Carlisle sighed, sensing the conversation was over. "I'm taking away your car keys for two weeks for beating up your brother." It seemed like such a token, superficial thing to do and he realized it wasn't totally true. "Actually, I'm not taking away the car because you beat up Emmett. I'm taking away the car because you let yourself get overwhelmed, then let your emotions, or other people's emotions, get the better of you."

Jasper didn't put a fight, but handed over the car keys without a word. He had his hand on the doorknob and was about to leave when Carlisle called out. "You know, I keep hoping you'll learn to trust me enough to come to me when you have a problem."

Jasper hesitated. "I like to deal with my problems on my own."

"Independence is admirable but you can ask for help." Carlisle's voice dropped a little and there was a wave of sadness and disappointment. "Nobody would think the worse of you."

Jasper's hand gripped the doorknob, but he didn't turn it. "Next time."

"Excuse me?"

"Next time I need help," Jasper sighed. "I'll ask you."

"Thank you." That thanks was genuine and so was the love behind it. Jasper nodded and fled the room, leaving Carlisle alone with his thoughts.

That was how they spent the third night.

* * *

End.

Author's notes: I'm not thrilled with this one, I think it skips around a bit and some parts aren't as coherent as I'd like. But I'm tired of working on it and I don't think I can improve it anymore so it's yours to judge as you will.

I know Carlisle's power is compassion (a lame power, but it fits his personality) but even he must have a breaking point where he gets angry and his patience goes out the window.

If you had the power to feel everyone else's emotions, wouldn't you have trouble knowing which ones were yours? I would. Every time I write him, Jasper ends up being a woobie. So I try to temper that by giving him powers of snark.


End file.
